I've always viewed Halloween as an opportunity to pour blood, sweat and tears into some massively ridiculous costume worn for one night only that will push my "super weird lady" reputation to its limit. In general, I'm disappointed by the lack of ingenuity and thought other folk put into their costumes. Men go as hipstertastic things like creepy van guy or giant penis and women go as "sexy ________" (sexy cat, sexy nurse, sexy dentist, sexy hamburger...) Part of me blames the industry and part of me blames the sheer laziness of the general media-loving public who would rather just buy some lame polyester thing made in China and sold at Spirit every goddamn year than put any effort into creating something rad and memorable. And to be honest, I mostly blame the people. Because, as I'm about to show you, the industry itself has gotten pretty damn odd n' janky.
1. ASTRONAUT WITH BUTT OUT
Ah, yes. The astronaut with butt out. Always a classic, always firm. And an excellent opportunity to make "moon"ing puns all night long such as: "hey sexy lady, want to see my MOON?" or "hey baby want to feel the gravitational pull of my ass cheeks?" Not to be confused with Pirate With Butt Out.
2. SEXY TOOTHBRUSH
Want to look mega hawt and also send a positive message about the importance of solid oral hygiene? Done and done. Bonus points for having the word "sparkle" lead down to your magical bits.
3. ONE NIGHT STAND
Get it? Cuz, you know, he's dressed as a night stand. So he's: one night stand. It's also a double entendre, you see, because he will probably kick you to the curb the next morning rather than have his mom find out he had a girl over and have to get a real job and a real apartment and have to cook his own hungry man microwave dinners and be a productive member of society. Mega suck. Lampshade not included.
4. BABY BACON
When you need to re-associate your offspring with something you truly love. Also available as Sexy Bacon should you find your passion for your wife or lady friend far weaker than your love of crisp, fried smokey meat sticks.
5. PENIS SNAKE CHARMER
Hey guys! Are you feeling like you're just not making it clear enough that you're a douche bag who only cares about his penis? Try a Halloween costume that allows you to finally stick your dick in something and also gives you the satisfaction of knowing at least someone finds you charming: you. Bonus brobag points for "ironic racism" (which is actually still just racism).
6. SEXY BIG BIRD
Want to show off the fact that you watched the presidential debates and maybe even remembered a couple things from them? Like, hey, what was that weird part where they talked about Big Bird? Mitt Romney hates Big Bird? Obama wants to make out with Big Bird? Something like that. Anyways, here's a costume that will make you look super political and haaaawt.
7. SEXY TAKE OUT
I'd like to see somebody take this girl out to a goddamn Asian American history course.
8. FATHER SON BOOZE N' CIGARETTES
Providing ample photographic evidence for how and in exactly what capacity you failed to rear your young in an appropriate manner and why he now needs therapy. Thanks for the memories Dad.
9. SEXY URINAL
No better way to say "I Like To Get Peed On" than to walk around dressed as a giant pee receptacle. Bonus points for scrawling "R. Mutt" on the side of this thing.
10. SEXY CAREBEAR
It's hard for people to not care bear stare at you when you're walking around with a big fuzzy bear head and missing most of your clothing.