Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Tearing Up Over the New Dove Ads? Try Humping Vegetables Instead.

For those who have been crying salty tears over the new Dove Experiment that's been circulating around the interwebs, I understand your emotional response. After all, this ad features top notch production quality, a moving musical score, dramatic close-ups, and a small smorgasborg of "real women" types. Dove is renown for producing sentimentality at its finest, and with an advertising budget of around 8 million per year it's no wonder they generally succeed in creating moving, convincing ads. I was feeling sentimental too until I read this article, and was reminded that the same company who owns Dove also owns Axe body spray.

Yes, that's right. Axe. The company which suggests in no uncertain terms that if you use their product, random women will hump vegetables in supermarkets:

They also suggest that billions of blond, latina, and asian women will literally come running, scantily clad, to you:

Lastly, they want to assure you that imagining women in their underwear walking down the street is totally normal bro:

Now Unilever I understand that these are separate campaigns aimed at separate audiences but it's the same audience (women) who is hearing both messages from the same messenger. And how are we expected to splice these messages in a way that makes us feel like supporting the company which is selling both products? Are we supposed to think that this woman humping vegetables should be proud of herself for committing such a self-demeaning act because other people still think she looks pretty while doing it? And regarding those billions of women who come running like wild animals, they look a little underfed and model-like, not like the "real women" featured in the Dove ads. And hey, why no dark skinned ladies? Were they not "pretty enough" to be a part of the billions of uniform, indistinguishable women? And as for the last video: how are we expected to feel secure about our physical appearance when you're saying it's okay for men to imagine women in their underwear in public, which is not only creepy but smacks of rape culture?

Clearly there are some mixed messages going on here. My solution? Just create one ad which marries the new Dove campaign to their Axe counterparts and cut down on the confusion and production costs. Imagine It This Way: You could have the forensic scientist, preferably a white male in his early 30s or late 20s, trying to sketch this really attractive skinny woman, but he keeps envisioning her wearing only her panties and it's distracting. Suddenly, she rips off her clothes and starts humping the white chair. Just then, an indistinguishable hoard of underfed, light-skinned women rush in and start chasing him around. These women are also wearing nothing but panties, and begin humping the furniture, the sketch pads, maybe even those cute white curtains, frantically trying to get his attention to the point where he can't concentrate on his "art" and, collapsing, is crushed by a sweaty pile of panting and gyrating naked women. There, ladies, are you still tearing up?

Monday, April 8, 2013

22 *Real and True* Secrets of Happy People

In response to this insanely stupid article circulating around Facebook, I've been forced to reveal, at long last, the 22 *true and real* secrets of happy people according to my employers at Happy People Publications. Our scientists and social engineers have carefully studied the habits and lifestyle choices of hundreds of people JUST LIKE YOU! and were alarmed to discover the following *true and real* statistics! I hope you are ready for them, as they could very well change your life.

1. Be Born into Privilege. Chances are if you are white and rich, you will have very little to worry about during your initial years while your fragile young ego develops. It's also likely that you'll maintain your wealth and never have to work for the admiration or esteem of your peers, thus greatly increasing the odds of you having "good self-esteem" and a blissful lack of mental issues in adulthood. (Further Explanation: Watching your brothers and sisters dodge bullets in the ghetto or your mom slave away at two jobs because your dad was a @hole and left before you were born is *not* good for self esteem! Why poor people choose to live this way when so much stress is involved is beyond our guess here at Happy People Publications). 
 2. Conform to Society's Ideas Regarding Practically Everything. Have you ever noticed how stressed out and uptight people are who go against the grain? Notice how angry the gay marriage protestors get when they challenge the long-standing tradition that marriage is between a man and a woman? And how about feminists? Have you ever met a happy feminist? But a happy housewife, on the other hand, I imagine you've met plenty! That's because she goes along with what society tells her is normal and good, and so should you!
3. Save Your Anger for Those Less Fortunate Than You. It's true. Even the richest, most powerful people get sad or angry sometimes. Like when the maid forgets to take out the trash and you have to call her up at 10 at night and yell at her to get her butt back over there and do her job. Or when the new iPhone you pre-ordered to arrive weeks before it was available to the general public doesn't get delivered because your mail man has a leg infection from a dog bite your doberman pincher, Jaws, administered several days ago. The important thing is that you make sure to direct your anger, and in fact all anger, at individuals who are "below you" in your societal standing and not to misdirect them towards the people who really matter. Try writing an angry letter to the Wall Street Journal about how occupiers don't understand how hard it is to be rich in this economy. Or you could call the cops on that hobo at the grocery store. Either way, you're sure to see your anger melt into a warm puddle of self-righteousness

4. Reward Yourself By Buying Expensive Crap No One Else Can Afford. Nothing turns a frown upside down like a new yacht or a Bentley or trip to the golf course. Remember to reward yourself for being the well-off, awesome person that you are. You worked hard to get where you are (don't listen to anyone who tells you different), now play hard! Nothing will make you feel quite as good as witnessing the envy on the faces of your associates when they see you cruising around in your slick new clipper.

5. Use Your Money to Make More Money: Remember that old saying, that money doesn't grow on trees? Well, it doesn't become more money just by sitting around either. Unless, of course it's sitting on some premium stocks. Use your money to make more money. It's not hard. Just remember to insure that your new ventures ingratiate the wealthy and exploit the poor.

6. Get a Trophy Wife: Women are important. They're the glue that holds the home together. And without one, that responsibility might fall on your shoulders and you just don't have time for that! Find yourself a woman who is obedient, good-looking, and above all will make you feel like a million bucks (which is exactly what you're worth). If she talks back or is anything less than a 10 on the physically attractive scale, you'll only find yourself feeling like you could have done better, which can lead to unhappiness.
7. Outsource Everything: There's no reason to do anything yourself that you could simply hire some Indian or Mexican for 10 cents an hour to do. Our forefathers founded this country on the backs of slaves and oppressed indigenous cultures. And that's the reason why people like you are in power today. It's your duty to honor this tradition by paying some college student on TaskRabbit $6 / hour to iron your underwear.

8. Lookin' Good: Ever wonder why poor people look so hideous? Well, it's because they can't afford the $80 yoga classes, $200 personal trainers, or thousands of dollars in plastic surgery that you can. Looking good will have you feeling good. And when it's as easy as having your fat sucked out through a hose for a couple grand every couple months, what excuse do you really have?

9. Never Settle: Sure, you're great looking, have a hot trophy wife and pay yourself a salary most Americans only dream about, but you could do better! Unhappy people often don't examine how they can improve their situation. Why have 3 houses when you can have 5? Why have 8 hotel chains when you could have 10? Never settle and always keep pushing yourself to go farther.

10. Maintain the Status of Your Relationships With Bribery:  Your wife's sister may hate you now, but just think what she'll say once you buy her a trip to Cancun? Your son might be angry you missed his ball game, but he'll soon forget that grudge when you buy him a new PS4. Your wife might shiver at the thought of actually sleeping with you, but just give her a couple shiny new credit cards and see if that doesn't change her tune.

11. Maids Maids Maids: Maids are super important. It's hard to be happy when your big freakin mansion looks like a stye. Make sure to hire good help you can trust and who will work for as little as possible. Pay them under the table and ask them to do completely humiliating things like answer to the ring of a bell or refer to you as "Captain." Don't worry. They're illegal immigrants so you needn't fear any legal repercussions for dehumanizing your staff. Five bucks an hour is a small price to pay for the satisfaction and superiority you'll feel when you watch Maria scrub the kitchen floor using only a toothbrush.

12. Hire Young Attractive People To Tell You How Awesome You Are: Happy people thrive on compliments! Make sure you're getting enough by hiring young, good-looking personal assistants who are not only capable of managing your affairs, but whose job it is to tell you how great you are! Make sure to promise them promotions you have no intention of giving them, and to lay them off every other year to keep the compliments fresh and original!

13. Trim the Fat: No we're not talking about liposuction again. We're talking about people. There are a lot of unnecessary people who will try to get at you because you're rich and powerful. Make sure to surround yourself only with other good-looking, rich and powerful people so you don't get dragged down by those who can't fend for themselves!

14. Never Do Anything For Free: Doing things for free (or heaven forbid at a financial loss) will only result in you feeling used and your time under-valued. If someone asks you a favor, quickly deflect the request by offering suggestions of businesses and companies who offer comparable services for a nominal fee. Example: your childhood friend Mark wants you to lend him some money for a new start up so he can pull himself out of debt. Solution: Give him the phone number of some debt management companies. But don't tell him you own them!

15. Think Only Happy Thoughts: Having a bad day? Wondering what your purpose is in life? Beginning to feel like there are needs in your life that a trophy wife, some neato shwag, and a bulging bank account can't fulfill? Well STOP! The #1 fact regarding unhappy people is that they think unhappy, unsettling thoughts like these. Should you find yourself entering an existential crisis, promptly stop this train of thought in its tracks. If necessary, distract yourself by buying something cool, playing a round of golf, or purchasing the services of a trained professional (a stripper, a therapist, or if you can find one a stripper / therapist).

16. Never Admit It When You're Down: Happy people NEVER tell anyone they're unhappy. As soon as you tell others you're having a bad day or that you're feeling down, they start to think of you as an unhappy person! Instead, just bottle up your feelings when you're around others and make sure you only tell them that everything is super 100% of the time. That way, they'll view you as a happy, successful individual even if you aren't!

17. Lie: No one likes telling the truth. And no one really enjoys hearing the truth either, most of the time. So why bother? Tell people what they want to hear, and they'll show their appreciation by wanting to have you around.

18. Trust In God: Is there something troubling you? Are you worried you'll die feeling unfulfilled? Or that the universe is in a state of meaningless chaos? Or that the "bad things" in the world might outweigh "the good?" Now is a perfect time to pay a visit to your local church. Your church will re-affirm that everything is indeed alright with the universe. It's all according to God's plan.

19. Never Apologize For Anything: Apologizing is the same thing as admitting you were wrong. And only losers admit they're wrong. Don't be a loser. Remember, you're awesome.

20. Take Lots of Vacations Away From Work and Family: Make sure you give yourself at least a couple months a year to dick around in exotic places like Thailand and Malaysia. Don't bring the kids and wife or you'll feel like it's more work than a vacation! Instead, tell them you're going on an important business trip. That way, you can make random hook ups with young women in these countries and string them along with promises to marry them until your trip is over.

21. Remember That You Are You: When you find yourself teetering on the edge of depression, remember everything you've accomplished. You have a beautiful trophy wife and some children you never have to deal with. You have a big house and lots of stupid possessions poor people can only dream about. You have maids and personal assistants to manage the nitty gritty of your day to day. You have personal trainers and surgeons to keep you looking gorgeous. And you have all these things because you worked hard to get to where you are. Sure, you were born successful and wealthy. But, hey, it's all because of you that you're *still* successful and wealthy today! And if all that fails to make you happy, you can always pay $60 for a happy ending.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Top 10 Stupid Ass Weird Ass Halloween Costumes

I've always viewed Halloween as an opportunity to pour blood, sweat and tears into some massively ridiculous costume worn for one night only that will push my "super weird lady" reputation to its limit. In general, I'm disappointed by the lack of ingenuity and thought other folk put into their costumes. Men go as hipstertastic things like creepy van guy or giant penis and women go as "sexy ________" (sexy cat, sexy nurse, sexy dentist, sexy hamburger...) Part of me blames the industry and part of me blames the sheer laziness of the general media-loving public who would rather just buy some lame polyester thing made in China and sold at Spirit every goddamn year than put any effort into creating something rad and memorable. And to be honest, I mostly blame the people. Because, as I'm about to show you, the industry itself has gotten pretty damn odd n' janky.


Ah, yes. The astronaut with butt out. Always a classic, always firm. And an excellent opportunity to make "moon"ing puns all night long such as: "hey sexy lady, want to see my MOON?" or "hey baby want to feel the gravitational pull of my ass cheeks?" Not to be confused with Pirate With Butt Out.


Want to look mega hawt and also send a positive message about the importance of solid oral hygiene? Done and done. Bonus points for having the word "sparkle" lead down to your magical bits.


Get it? Cuz, you know, he's dressed as a night stand. So he's: one night stand. It's also a double entendre, you see, because he will probably kick you to the curb the next morning rather than have his mom find out he had a girl over and have to get a real job and a real apartment and have to cook his own hungry man microwave dinners and be a productive member of society. Mega suck. Lampshade not included.


When you need to re-associate your offspring with something you truly love. Also available as Sexy Bacon should you find your passion for your wife or lady friend far weaker than your love of crisp, fried smokey meat sticks.


Hey guys! Are you feeling like you're just not making it clear enough that you're a douche bag who only cares about his penis? Try a Halloween costume that allows you to finally stick your dick in something and also gives you the satisfaction of knowing at least someone finds you charming: you. Bonus brobag points for "ironic racism" (which is actually still just racism).


Want to show off the fact that you watched the presidential debates and maybe even remembered a couple things from them? Like, hey, what was that weird part where they talked about Big Bird? Mitt Romney hates Big Bird? Obama wants to make out with Big Bird? Something like that. Anyways, here's a costume that will make you look super political and haaaawt.


I'd like to see somebody take this girl out to a goddamn Asian American history course.



Providing ample photographic evidence for how and in exactly what capacity you failed to rear your young in an appropriate manner and why he now needs therapy. Thanks for the memories Dad.


No better way to say "I Like To Get Peed On" than to walk around dressed as a giant pee receptacle. Bonus points for scrawling "R. Mutt" on the side of this thing.


It's hard for people to not care bear stare at you when you're walking around with a big fuzzy bear head and missing most of your clothing.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Ancient Japanese Proverbs Translated by Google

Humiliated on the day you cut your nails morning.

Skeleton rosy cheek of morning, evening.

Rat in the ceiling laugh and say that tomorrow's.

It is itchy soles of the feet is a good omen.

Rain tomorrow, people are thief

No spare time raver.

Openly hidden ass head.

Large human head is good luck.

It lays from Yasushi think over.

I have to die a fool will not go away.

Sticks out is hammered down.

Dell is struck by nail.

Greeting deus ex machina.

Do not fall eggplant quus to marry.

Xanthippe is a hundred years of crop failure.

Luck exists in the leftovers.

Be Sunda (mashed green soybeans) without obtaining a child entering the jaws of death tiger.

Even monkeys fall from trees.

There is no accounting for tastes knotweed.

Without knowing the ocean frog in the well.

A child of the frog is a frog.

A kite breeding a hawk.

Spilt water not go back to Bon.

Who also follow the nits will not get a rabbit.

Continuity is power.

Learn it through the unexpected read the boy in front of the gate.

Ignorance is bless.

Not seeing is a flower.

Hawk some ability to hide the nails.

Unexpected opponent can not fight.

Meet the beginning of a different hunting.

Early rising is the worm.

Early rising has obtained seven.

Good luck and auspicious sign over morning.

Rest of head, the first New Year.

Bagua Bagua also hit also hit unexpected.

Also to Equinoctial heat or cold.

Also dimple pock.

Dangerous thing out of the injury.

Without taking bee horsefly.

Ant to something sweet.

There is a fortune to surplus.

The dispute is who will win loudly.

Some is better than without.

Something joined together, which apart.

Giving birth is easier than when planned.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Things That Take Too Much of My Time

1. Finding excuses to talk about robots
2. Homework
3. Fantasizing about being Jean Luc Picard
4. Laundry
5. Getting drunk and debating Heisenberg's uncertainty principal
6. Street parking
7. Trying to figure out who my ex may be having sex with based on blurry Facebook images, comments and tags having to do with how awesome that one show was last night
8. Cooking
9. Writing stories that begin "It was the year 2069..."
10. Obsessing about money
11. Updating blog that probably no one reads except that one guy from my writing workshop who smokes a lot of dope
12. Youtube videos of planking

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Monday, November 14, 2011

The Ikea Cycle

Not unlike the carbon, nitrogen, or water cycle, the Ikea Cycle is a vital process serving the nature and nurture of our material well being. Unlike those other cycles, however, the Ikea Cycle has never been closely studied, nor broken down into its core stages until now.

Step 1: Buy furniture

i. Look around your apartment and decide what's missing. Allow yourself to sink into the void of material desire.

ii. Commute way out into the middle of nowhere (which is the only place where you can find Ikea). Spend 10 minutes trying to park between sloppily angled minivans despite the ridiculous size of the parking lot.

iii. Note the obnoxiously cheery blue and yellow facade with an enormous feeling of ambition and "getter done."

iv. Get lost trying to find the wheels to that chair you liked.

v. Try to find a dresser only to realize that they are all more expensive than you had expected. Settle on a cheap shelving unit of some kind.

vi. Get lost trying to find the faucet for your sink. Decide to have some Swedish meatballs in "the cafe" while you recover your strength.

vii. Forget what you came here for originally and start buying random cheap kitchen supplies whilst telling yourself: "But, it's only three dollars."

viii. Finally get to the bottom floor--the end--only it's not the end, it's aisle after aisle of cardboard boxes containing the things you just finished shopping for. Grunt while loading massive boxes with unknown heavy contents onto unwieldy cart.

ix. End up at the register only to remember that you forgot to get the legs to your coffee table.

x. Sheepishly fork over $500, wondering just what the hell cost $500 as you only got some book cases, shelves, and some cheapo kitchen crap.

Step 2: Bring furniture back to base.

i. Try to sort cardboard boxes into piles so you know which parts go with each other, only to find later that you've lost (or never grabbed?) that one box with all the nuts and bolts and stuff in it.

ii. Try to screw in thingy with allen wrench only to break allen wrench. Use allen wrench from other package.

iii. Break dowels and/or wind up with "extra" dowels. Yes, this was Ikea's fault. Not yours.

iv. Swear, curse, and blaspheme the stupid asexual Ikea blob thing who keeps pointing to some hole that doesn't exist but is supposed to apparently have a screw drilled into it.

v. Complete Ikea furniture with min. number of dowels necessary resulting in unwieldy furniture with incomplete appearance. Drink beer and take Tylenol until headache subsides using cardboard box as coffee table.

Step 3: Moving Out

i. List Ikea furniture on Craigslist. Note the excellent condition, full assembly and reasonable price.

ii. Wade through responses from lustful free section watchers who offer to take things off your hands for a maximum of $10.00 as well as random anonymous emails of men in leather chaps offering their BDSM services.

iii. Re-list all items at a mark down of 50%.

iv. Repeat step ii.

v. Finally, agree to sell two bookcases, some shelves and the kitchen supplies to some dude in Martinez for $50.

vi. Feel robbed and depressed. Drink beer and take Tylenol until happiness returns.

Step 4: New Apartment!

See Step 1.